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My name is krystof or in roatpkz jtir hunter/seekndestroy/lonewalker . I am a 17 year old fellow roatpkz player. This is a post I made to admit I have a toxicity problem. Ahead is a bit of a "life-story". This isn't a post to ask for pity as my life is easy compared to millions that are suffering today. I made this to show that I have a problem and am apologizing for it. I guarantee you a lot of toxic players are like me, they do not personally mean anything they say but are just conflicted inside. If you do not feel like reading it I completely understand, all I want you to know is: I'm sorry. When I was young I got bullied at school . I was too young to remember that so it didn't have much of an impact at the time. so I stop going to a school when I was 14 At this school I never really figured out how to talk to people for a long while and when I finally did it was thanks to pretending to be someone I am not. Every day I would wear a fake guise to try and "please" those around me. On the inside I was dying. Around this time I had a testicular torsion. I had known about a pain in my lower regions for a while but due to my ever increasing introvertic nature I never told anyone. I became less and less fixated on my own troubles and was only worried about not bothering anyone else. This mistake would cost me as by the time a doctor examined me it was too late to fix the problem. I had to have my testicles surgically removed therefore leaving me without the ability to have children. Things like this and the bullying I got because of it led to a hole growing inside of me, yet I never removed my guise. I took to being the "class clown." People would and still do know me as energetic and cheerful. I only took to telling jokes to people to see them smile. It would give me a small sense of joy inside to see someone genuinely happy and do something I never genuinely did.... Smile. As the emptiness grew inside of me I still refused to recognize it and instead looked for another escape. I tried to play video games as another escape from reality, as many people do today. Eventually I found a game called rsps about two years ago and fell in love with it. For the first time I felt a sense of being myself. While inside this game I was free from everything bothering me and could remove my guise. After a while of playing I dreamed of becoming a professional player and tried as hard as I could to practice. I made it from noob to pro in one year and felt like I could achieve my goal if I strived harder. Sadly around this year something happened. The hole that was growing inside of me was huge. I look inside of myself today and cant figure out who I am. I lost all motivation to accomplish anything. My grades dropped, my health greatly decreased and I felt empty. Playing the game no longer felt like an escape it seemed to make things worse. I became so conflicted inside and yet vented my problems to Noone. This anger eventually would come to manifest itself in the in-game. While playing I couldn't look at my family face and recognize their humanity. I only saw words on a screen. Thus, this became where I vented my frustration. Today I look at myself and see nothing but an empty husk. I lost track of reality and the guises I take on. I have no motivation to aspire to be anything, and have lost my ability to dream. I am deeply and truly sorry for any harm I have caused to anyone. I try every day to just not type in game I try oh so very hard. I lay in bed every night staring at the ceiling saying things will be different tomorrow. But they never are. I haven't gotten any sleep for the past couple of weeks which only decreases my mental state. All of this amounts to the toxicity you see in game. If you see me in game and I say anything that insults you, know that I do not mean it. I am truly sorry to anyone I have insulted in the past and please accept my apology hug: \;_;/ this letter write by jtir mom @Yoobs @Smackd @Legend™ @Craig @Reducers @ism0kepurp @Terzey @tom @pyd omg this is so embarrassing